Reasons to be cheerful... Part 3

 'Are we there yet?' We're off to the seaside!  My good friend Sal used to live in London and would come and stay with me when she was working on a film at Pinewood Studios, and joked she was staying at her country residence and now she's moved back to Hastings I can now say I'm off to my seaside residence!! We had such a lovely weekend, chilling, chatting, chuckling, chomping on a Chinese and cooked brekkie, and only occasionally the small c popped in to remind us how blessed we are and to celebrate our crazy, caring and cuddly connection! Look how many positive c words there are!!

Danni and I were thoroughly spoilt the whole time and the photo of me snuggled up in the 'teddybear' bed sums up it up perfectly- even chocolate on the pillow - an Easter  Egg no less- and a cuddle pillow to boot!! And can I just say, this is how Sal has always treated me, even before cancer joined us! You can see why I treasure her so dearly! She's like a sister, exactly like my sister, who cares and nurtures me in the same way and I would be lost without either of them 😘

Sal is the Fiancée of Danni's Farja, as she calls him. I met him when I was 17 and we've been friends ever since! We met in a nightclub on the day I passed my driving test and despite never having driven out of Slough, I drove him and a mate home through central London - the wine probably helped and hindered in equal measure - it wasn't funny and it wasn't clever!! I remember being stopped by the police and being asked 'Do you two ladies know the gentlemen in the back of the car?' My younger self was not as self-controlled as I am now but not wanting to run the risk of being breathalysed I managed to be polite and not be down right rude nor, at least, be facetious - 'What men officer? Oh my it's so dark in here I didn't notice the two black men sitting behind me!!' I hope times have changed, I kow I certainly have. Good job really, otherwise Learie might have done a runner,  seeing the crazy me so soon, rather than seeing me later when he was madly in love with me and it was too late to escape - no actually he did - escape' but I'm so glad we've remained friends ever since, although for the past 20 plus years he's had to play second fiddle to Sal! I must admit he does have great taste in women!! 

I will be eternally grateful to them both - Lea for co-creating the miracle that is my (our) beautiful daughter and bringing Sal into our lives - the Bestest Friend and the Bestest Step-mum! And Sal for being my number one fan - she's even signed up for Walk All Over Cancer, walking 10,000 steps every day in March!! THANKS SALLY (AND SARAH) YOUR BOTH LEGENDS! xx

Reasons to be cheerful - part 2!

As I was saying in my previous post, I am so lucky to be having so many wonderful days! I question whether it's weird that I'm enjoying life so much now and then think 'Der, now you realise how precious life is, of course you're making the most of it!'  Am I seeing it through rose tinted glasses now? You bet I am! My perspective has definitely changed, before Yoda (trying out different names for the small c and as she's probably gonna be my biggest teacher it seems fitting) came along I may have moaned about having to travel into London with my back pain and whinged that I'm tired and would rather go home to bed than meet up with my Besties. But Yoda has taught me the value of each moment, the preciousness of connection with loved ones, the joy of feeling the sun on your face, the appreciation of beautiful things, although Danni doesn't understand why I just had to buy yet another pair of gorgeous flip-flops (I know Steph, thongs, if you're reading this Down Under) to add to my collection!

After visiting Maggie's, I just happened upon an Accessorize and as this is being read by those that  know me, I need say no more!! Just being surrounded by the sparkles, the colours, the prints fills me with joy! So £45 later, I then had a session with my Spiritual Healer which may sound  pretentious, la-la or just plain wanky to some but 'Hey ain't nobody got time for  that!' I have had two sessions with her so far, Maggie Rose, and I love her already. I don't understand what she does, so won't try to explain it but I trust and have faith that she will be an invaluable companion during this new journey of mine.  

I then had some pampering, although having your upper lip waxed is never a joy, but being able to look in the mirror after and not be shocked by seeing those 1/2 inch thick black hairs that definitely weren't there yesterday is fab! Soon I may not have to worry about those or shaping my brows, which does scare me I ain't gonna lie, because I can hear my vanity voice there in my head already saying 'man you are gonna look so weird, bald and bare of facial hair, you better hide all mirrors and cameras now!' Have already signed for a make-up class at Maggie's where they teach you top tips on how to apply make-up so I have a chance of recognising myself in the mirror! This will be a real test of self love, to appreciate and love myself however my face/body/ appearance changes - loving myself for the unique and beautiful being that I am (topic for a later post me thinks)!

So having had my facial hair groomed and tamed, and my nails prettified to look feminine and elegant, something I can hopefully keep enjoying throughout treatment, I met up with my group of WOWees (Women Only Weekenders originally, who have evolved into Women of Wonder! A group of Sisters, Sisters-in-Law and Friends who appreciate the value of female connection and comraderie!) We met so I could break the news to them knowing I could rely on their love and support throughout this experience and I left them 3 hours later with a very warm heart 💕 Aah what a day!! 💕 

I am Giant!

[Verse 2: Rag'n'Bone Man]

Don't hide your emotions
You can throw down your guard
And freed from the notion
We can be who we are
You taught me something, yeah
That freedom is ours
It was you who taught me living is
Togetherness, togetherness, togetherness

[Chorus: Rag'n'Bone Man]
I am a giant (Ooh)
Stand up on my shoulders, tell me what you see
'Cause I am a giant (Ooh)
We'll be breaking boulders, underneath our feet
I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (Oh)
I am, I am, I am, I am, I am, I am a giant (Oh)

Snap!

We're both having our individual experience of my life changing news, but today both of us seem to having the same yet seperate reaction to this agonising period of limbo - can't go back and pretend everything is 'normal' (whatever that is) can't move forward and make plans for the 'future' (whatever that is)! Perhaps we're just both too impatient? But it's been exactly a month since my first visit to the Chest Clinic on 22nd January, when I was told I potentially had cancer and as yet, despite since being told I only have months to live if I don't have treatment, no treatment has started.  You get paranoid as to what's really going on - are they delaying starting treatment because I have incurable cancer so why bother and in a few weeks they'll say it's too late. If they wait long enough will I be too ill? You imagine in the weekly meeting when all the Consultants get together to discuss their patients that there must be hard choices to make with NHS resources so under pressure, with debates about who is most 'worthy' of a chance of recovery ending with names on the 'awaiting treatment' list being shuffled and shortened with your own name being crossed off! 

Then you rationalise that test results do take time, and they need them all to give them the most accurate picture of what my options are and how best to treat me. The lack of a sense of urgency on their part is somewhat unsettling - 'even if it grows by 1mm it will be fine' but I get that it's more important that the right treatment needs to be prescribed rather than quickly giving the wrong treatment!

I wrote this post late last night after starting it first thing yesterday morning and then getting distracted by the sunshine, lunch with a friend overlooking the river at Eton, watching the fantastic documentary 'Heal', and was only prompted to continue it after seeing Danni had coincidentally posted her own view on the 'waiting game'.

However, today is a new day and today  this quote resonates strongly with me ..... anything is possible! ❤

Expiry date 00/00/00

I'm finding it hard to formulate my thoughts into a readable post and have tried several times since that  Hospital appointment but I'm still struggling! As Danni says we don't have to believe the prognosis but it's difficult when it feels as though the Consultant takes a giant date stamp and stamps an expiry date firmly on your forehead leaving you reeling! However, anyone who knows me, knows that I do not pay any attention to expiry dates! As far as I'm concerned they are there to be challenged, to be proved wrong .... and although this may seem a much bigger challenge, I've no doubt I will exceed the expiry date even though I may have reached  my Best Before date!

It's a Beautiful Day!

The sun is shining, the sky is blue, I've got cancer, so what shall I do? 

Play 'Beautiful Day' by U2 and dance around the lounge with Beau in my arms! Because it is a beautiful day and I have so much to be grateful for - Thank you Life x

What can I say??

I've been avoiding putting 'pen to paper' for some time now. How long is it since I was first told I possibly, well probably, have lung cancer?(should it be a capital C - seems less important if I give it a small c). That was 22nd January 2019, and my first thought was "What about Danielle"? Having had 34 years of motherhood I immediately felt the impact of that statement for her! How am I gonna tell her, well I'm not, till I have something definite to tell her. With hindsight, now the outcome is what it is, it would have been better to give her the two weeks I had, to process that probability, even though most of that fortnight was spent in denial, convincing myself what anyone and everyone who knows me knows - I'm a Drama Queen and I'm being melodramatic! 

But 2 weeks later, there I was being told that, as they suspected, I do have  Adenocarcinoma, which has spread to the Lymph and Adrenal glands. At the time, just over a week ago but it seems like ages, I felt surprisingly calm, in shock I guess, and spent the rest of the day reliving the conversation with my sister and friend, in a daze of disbelief. However, the next day,  the worst day of my life so far, I am scared there may be more worst days to come, was having to tell my Darling Daughter the news. It caused me physical pain to see her so upset and to feel responsible for that pain! More than once in my life I've questioned whether I want to live or die and I've always stopped myself thinking further than that because I couldn't do that to Danni and now here I was, without a choice, telling her my days were numbered. We all know that's the inevitable reality for us all but when we're given a finite TOD so to speak it's unthinkable to have to share that with the most important  person in your life - your daughter.

I seem unable to react to the news, I haven't really had a good cry, that ugly snotty cry Danni talks about! Haven't screamed or shouted about the unfairness of it all but it is very early days. For today, I can only record how it's unfolded matter of factly. I don't want to post this boring piece of writing - I want to post entertaining, humorous emotive stuff that interests people but hey today this is all I've got!