We're both having our individual experience of my life changing news, but today both of us seem to having the same yet seperate reaction to this agonising period of limbo - can't go back and pretend everything is 'normal' (whatever that is) can't move forward and make plans for the 'future' (whatever that is)! Perhaps we're just both too impatient? But it's been exactly a month since my first visit to the Chest Clinic on 22nd January, when I was told I potentially had cancer and as yet, despite since being told I only have months to live if I don't have treatment, no treatment has started. You get paranoid as to what's really going on - are they delaying starting treatment because I have incurable cancer so why bother and in a few weeks they'll say it's too late. If they wait long enough will I be too ill? You imagine in the weekly meeting when all the Consultants get together to discuss their patients that there must be hard choices to make with NHS resources so under pressure, with debates about who is most 'worthy' of a chance of recovery ending with names on the 'awaiting treatment' list being shuffled and shortened with your own name being crossed off!
Then you rationalise that test results do take time, and they need them all to give them the most accurate picture of what my options are and how best to treat me. The lack of a sense of urgency on their part is somewhat unsettling - 'even if it grows by 1mm it will be fine' but I get that it's more important that the right treatment needs to be prescribed rather than quickly giving the wrong treatment!
I wrote this post late last night after starting it first thing yesterday morning and then getting distracted by the sunshine, lunch with a friend overlooking the river at Eton, watching the fantastic documentary 'Heal', and was only prompted to continue it after seeing Danni had coincidentally posted her own view on the 'waiting game'.
However, today is a new day and today this quote resonates strongly with me ..... anything is possible! ❤
