Since you went off sparkling. I miss you so so so fucking much and I feel so shit just keeping on saying the same thing.
I wrote a poem today.
I wanted to share it with you.
..............
Your healer
It's impossible for me to convey what I really feel
For me to say what I really believe.
I feel committed to a promise. A promise to keep you alive. To speak your truth. To share all the strife and your wise
Words that kept me from dying the moment you left this world.
I want to make sure people feel you're energy.
Who you were who you are,
Who you're off to be in this new adventure where youre dressed in sequins and having
Tea
With idris Elba lying in your lap
Whilst you smell the daffodils and you both take a map
To plan out the next road you take. What fun you'll have on your journey you'll make.
I want to tell people how special you are but I don't want to fool people about how hard you found being alive.
I don't want them to think you wanted to die
But I want them to know the significance of you, choosing life
When really. All of this time
You have wondered if it would be easier without being here for the ride.
When they told you you didn't have long. I'm scared it didn't sync in and when they told you it wouldn't be fifteen years I am scared thatyou didn't hear him.
When you said you would heal like that documentary said you could
I am scared thst you didn't realise all the things they said your should
Do.
Like drink wheatgrass shots and mediate daily. Visualise your cancer and battle the failure
Of your body.
Did it give up because it didnt think you wanted to be here anymore?
Did your body finally catch up with
You mind and decide to stop working no more.
Was your body in acceptance with where your mind had spent a long time and decided to grant you your wishes.
Forgetting that one of them was not to be dead. Not to leave us behind.
But to be at peace with yourself and to accept what you were to find.
You didn't want to die.
You didn't want to die.
You wanted the idea of who you thought you were to disperse and subside.
You didn't want to die.
You wanted your ego and your self hate and your pain to stop telling lies.
When we say we can't do this anymore.
We don't mean being here.
We mean the heart ache and the thoughts of who we should be. We mean the fear.
We don't want to be scared of who we are but finally be free of who we think we need to be and fall further into being us.
Being human.
Being in love.
With who we have always been.
Cancer may have took your breath away.
But it certainly gave you your self back each day.
A little closer to who you have always been a little closer to the wonder woman that I have always seen.
So you got a year of feeling that love of being in love and sharing your love
For your self.
Where I would stand and watch and somehow understand that this year would be all we got, left.
And that was enough.
A year.
Of you being you. Of seeing you. Of loving you
Because a year of inner peace is better than 50 of turmoil and a year of self compassion is better that a lifetime of
hate seeping in and incase
you overdosed and became someone who never found their way.
I am grateful for that year you had. Where you put the pain down and you said. OK.
I'm here. I'm me. I am love.
I'm here I'm me I will do love.
The cancer took away your future but it took away the depression that was actually the real killer.
So for now. Today. In this moment of grief.
I am thankful. For cancer. For somehow
Being your healer.