We are on our 2nd full day in Reykjavik Iceland and we have 2 full days left! We are lying in the sun on our hotel beds, stripped off all the layers and writing our blogs. We've had a day of mooching about.
We went to the penis museum followed by a church visit. To repent our sins obviously. And then we spent the day in coffee shops reading and writing and doing some work.
We are both reading Pema Chodrons "When Things Fall Apart" I just read a chapter about letting go of hope. Letting go of the idea to be better, do better and to just get good and "being" Another chapter talked about how wasting time on our self image is like coming upon a tree of singing birds and wearing ear plugs. She talks about our resistence to what is and how we need to start having some self compassion. To see our resistence and start wondering about it. To stop hiding from it with (whatever means we use to try to be better, look better, dress better, come across as better) To just try to accept ourselves but face our discomfort of who we are, head on. To look at our thoughts and watch them and not run away from them.
There's been a lot of silence on our trip. Lots of convo too, but mum and I are obviously comfy with each other. So we let the silence be there. It's something I have learned over the last few years. To not always say something. To not cover up my thoughts with chatter. My thoughts make me uncomfy at times and so chatter helps silence them. The chatter would include moaning or slagging someone, people, myself off. The chatter might be voicing my angst or whining at my short comings. I notice when you try to stop that. When you see your negative shit but do not then use whinging or moaning to fill that void of unease, you are often left with silence. That doesnt mean the thoughts stop. To be honest sometimes it encourages the thoughts more. Which is the whole reason I never would have in the past, let there be silence.
But now, with my most close people, silence is inevitable.
I watch my thoughts go by and they make me feel shit. I attach to them without thinking and then have to purposefully pull myself away. I dont think being a strong woman is about not having those thoughts. Or not even, letting the thoughts get to us. They do. They will. There will be glimpses of sadness as a quick fleeting thought comes in "I'm boring. Have I got nothing to say, would mum laugh more with someone else, am I being positive enough energy for her, would she have more fun with someone else" I don't know if we can ever truly let go of the thoughts altogether. But the strong side of me says. "These thoughts are not true. These thoughts are ok and dont make you a weirdo. These thoughts are not who you are. They are just thoughts"
International women's day... I dont know what the ethos is directly behind it. Other than a celebration of women.
Today I celebrate the bestest woman I have in my life, my mum. I celebrate myself. I celebrate how strong we are seperately and as a team. I celebrate that our strength comes from our vulnerability and our ability to be ok with being scared. Of being imperfect. Of having thoughts that dont serve us and moving on passed them and letting go of the need to be the perfect daughter, mum, cancer patient/carer, human. We are not perfect and this journey is going to be far from it. Letting Pema Chodrons words about "hope" and being ok with things just "being" sink in.
🙏🏽