I can't bring myself to write on here lately. At the begining it helped a lot. But I felt full of hope and positivity and we were just flowing (not battling) the small cancer. We were optomistic. I wanted to talk about our optomism.
Then as times rushed away with us and the small cancer keeps trying to be bigger. I lose my hopefulness. And then I feel bad.
I still believe in miracles. I still believe in you mum. But I am scared. More than I have ever been in my life. More than when I did that bloody zipline on our honeymoon.
It scares me that I cannot comprehend a world without you. It scares me thst I will regret stuff. It scares me that we have no idea whats on the other side. It scares me that I wont be ok. It scares me that you're in so much pain. It scares me that I am not strong. Neither am I vulberable enough to grieve how I may need to.
I dont want to be angry at the cancer. Its not personal. We won't play victims. But at the same time. I dont know who I am angry at but I feel the bubbles of anger seeping out here and there.
I want to sit and watch endless netflix with you. I want to sit on the beach in white linen.
Everytime I visualise that. The beach. The sunset. The linen. I picture Beaches. I remember how sad I was when Debrah Hershy has her last few days on the beach. The pain in my throat as wind beneath my wings is sung by Bette Middler. And I cant help but think that that was such a poignant film. It wasnt so important to me cos it made me want to be an actress. But cos it was a warning. Or a preperation. A sign. It all seems a bit surreal.
As each day gets quicker and my fear gets bigger my love for you beats in my chest so solidly that sometimes I cant breathe.
I miss you and you're not even gone.